TEENAGE DREAM.

May 8, 2012

wah.

I am so over university! I need a holidayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

April 23, 2012

yet im still so sorry for everything.

April 23, 2012

being alone never felt so bad.

I cant even begin to describe how I feel. I’ve never been the emotional type, I’ve never wanted to share my feelings and have always wanted to deal with my emotions on my own. I’ve never had this feeling where I’ve just needed to talk to someone so badly or cry continuously day and night.

I don’t know how to deal with my emotions. I don’t know how to make myself feel better. Nothing makes me feel better anymore. I want to move on, I want to be able to enjoy myself, concentrate on what is important and be happy.. but I just can’t. I just feel sad. Pure sadness. I’ve tried so hard, I’ve tried to keep him happy, tried to be strong and tried not to break down but I can’t keep it in any longer.

I just needed some time. I hoped telling him my feelings would at least show that I’m trying to be honest, trying not to lead him on and let him think that everything is ok. He wants me to share how I feel, be the person I tell things to but how can I want to share things when, when I try it leads to arguments or him giving up. He said he wanted us, he said he wanted to try. All I really wanted was to feel loved. He had apologised for the times I had gotten upset, and I tried to get over it but obviously apologies were not enough. I thought I could get over everything but maybe, after always believing I was one who didn’t care, maybe I cared too much. Maybe I had reached the stage where I cared too much about him that even something small could make me upset. Or maybe I was becoming too sensitive. I don’t know, I really don’t.

That one Sunday night, is the thing my mind always comes back to. I wish I could just forget and move on, I wish but my mind will not allow me to fully move on. There were no excuses that could be made for him. None. He told me he wanted to spend time with me and then completely ignored me, and anytime I tried, not to act like a couple, but try and be near he would do or say something that made me feel like I didn’t even want to know him. I feel so harsh saying this, I feel bad for even bringing it up again but I can’t understand why I can’t just forget. All I want to do is forget!

It has just been one thing after another. This is probably how he feels when he says that I always hurt him or always manage to fuck things up.

I just feel like he doesn’t care anymore. It is different now. I feel so alone. I don’t know why, I know that he is trying but I can’t help feeling the way I do.

I feel more alone now than I did before I even met him. Before we started any relationship. I used to be so happy when I was alone, so happy with my own company and so happy being so independent. Now when I’m alone, it is the worst feeling in the world. This is because I know that he doesn’t care or has given up trying. I know that in my heart I tried so hard, I tried hard so he would know I was so completely in love with him and so genuine in everything I tried to do for him. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m the one that needs to be made better, but he doesn’t want to try.

I went through having to know that he didn’t want to be with me 100%. That he could be with me one day and the next want to hook up with other girls.. but I still tried. I may have felt absolutely pathetic at times but I refused to give up. I tried to make it easier for him, whilst making it harder on myself.. all because I just didn’t want to let go. Now all I can do is cry as I write this, cry myself to sleep and hope that one day it will all get better. They say you’ll eventually get over it and move on, but I can’t see that happening anytime soon. I’m completely broken.

I’m a complete mess and don’t know what to do about it.

All I can do now, is cry for help and hope that he might notice.

April 23, 2012 24,447 notes